The Australian Small Business Blog

Monday, July 30, 2007

FAQ How to Get Insanely Rich on the Internet

by Linda Cox

Welcome to the Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
-- Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
-- Join every free banner exchange.
-- Get your own free-for-all links page.
-- Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
-- Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines.
-- Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
-- Buy software that submits your link to the 100,000 most popular free-for-all link pages.
-- Hire a bulk emailer.
-- Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hitcounter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the internet who has retired on their internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Over to You. What do You Think? Post Your Comments Below.

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was actually a real-world corporate marketer for many years before going on the net without a net. Now she's Just Another Marketing Guru. (Link unavailable.)

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Anonymous said...

At long last - a humorous article about the various scams that are used to entice internet users to part with their hard earned cash.

The truth is that very few small businesses even cover the cost of building and maintaining their websites because they do not realize a couple of important points
1. People use the internet to search for and download free information.
2. People use the internet to find the cheapest source of a product or service.
3. The only way a website can obtain prospects and customers is to firstly attract visitors to their site, then provide useful information to convert the visitors to prospects. The prospects can be converted to customers (people who part with money) once they come to trust the website.
The building of a reputation and trust is like any other business building enterprise - it takes hard work, integrity and a bit of luck and usually some considerable time.
Hope that puts the "get rich quick using the internet" scams in perpective.
Robin Moseby

Christopher Dalley said...

LOL! I'm in my 2nd month, and I have started 12 video blogs. Somehow, those are bound to make a bunch of cash, but I'm not quite sure how.

Loved the article. Keep blogging in good health.


Nudge Marketing said...

I am often amused at how difficult it is to sell something tangible, yet it seems that selling "hope" is like shooting fish in a barrel. Be they MLM schemes, Nigerian money scams, even lotto tickets, people will always fork out for the hope of a better life.

As much as I love reading self help books (cause there are snippets of good info in some of them) they have a great way of using the "if you really believe it can happen it will". Basically this means if you DON'T become rich, then its your fault cause you didn't have enough belief..

Nice post :)

Anonymous said...

What a great little "interview" :)
We've seen many people who just "want in" on being rich. A lot have really solid businesses with great potential, but somehow end up investing in a scam or crazy off-shoot businesses, through either greed, stupidity, or foolishly digressing too far from their known field/s.
Riches come to those who work smart, know their stuff, and excel in what they know. Having a little luck on one's side also helps the cause.
Andrew (Hobday Kurtz Business & IT Consultants)


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